What a difference a month makes!!

Hard to believe only a month ago I felt that low and down on myself. But it got worse before it got better…found out all the MEN my ex the supposed lesbian has had sex with both during our relationship and after. It left me feeling naive and vulnerable that I could no longer even trust myself to know when someone was lying to me. But as my family identified, it takes a liar to recognise one, so being the honest person that I am, I didn’t see it or didn’t want to see it.

Since the last blog my situation with my Stepdaughter and Grandson has been defined and strengthened, much to my relief. I spent part of Christmas day with them and Drew is having his 2nd Birthday party here tomorrow. My ex didn’t see them on Christmas Day, nor is she seeing her Grandson for his birthday, due to the fact that I will be there. What an absolute loser of a parent and Grandparent! She told me last night in a text message that I could take the kids and f*** off! Thankfully the kids love me and want to be a part of my life, makes all the heartache worthwhile to hear them say that.

My self esteem has improved slowly, many thanks to my family and friends. I am not like her, never was and will never allow another person to treat me so disrespectfully. It’s hard to imagine now why I believed everything she said about me, and that the relationship lasted as long as it did. I could never prove her lies, but in future will place more faith in my gut instinct, because all along they were firing with warning bells. I was right about her, and her actions since have proven ten fold that the further I am away from her the better I am. I don’t need rubbish in my life, it is hard enough with an honest partner to deal with life’s foibals, but when only one of you are truly in it, there is no point.

My efforts now are going to concentrate on the things I want to achieve for myself… a baby (I have a donor lined up), continuuing my studies, and fulfilling my dream to be an organic farmer. These are the outcomes for 2010:

1. Give up smoking
2. Strengthen my relationship with Nic, Andy and Drew
3. Have a baby
4. Turn 40 (hopefully pregnant!!)
5. Continue my degree
6. Work toward my goal of being an organic farmer

2010 is going to be my year! Because I am starting out with clear focus on the prize and the goals I want to achieve, not someone else. Fingers crossed.

My shit day!

November 23rd 2009

Relationship breakups are bloody hard! It doesn’t help that I’m sabotaging my own mental health by ignoring my feelings and hoping it will go away.  I have the mega shit’s with the world, I’m angry and I don’t want to feel all this shit. My ex had a new partner within 5 days and is flaunting it all over facebook, not to mention a photo of the new partner with the grandchild that has been ‘our’ grandchild since he was born and now I have no rights to him at all. He won’t even remember me before too long.

I ended it but I didn’t think it would keep hurting like this. I didn’t anticipate the sadness over the loss of belonging to a family. In the end we were a household of five. I feel like I meant nothing to her, for her to have moved on so quickly. Doesn’t help living in a small town either. They all only know me as her partner, and one of the reasons we split is that I’m just not lesbian enough, in fact I’m cured of that delusion. Nice idea thinking that would solve all my relationship problems, doesn’t work like that. So now I want to be more feminine again and how do ya do that in the country with the whole place watching.

Then ya sit back and look at it all from the outside and realise how naive you have been, all the lies she told me through the whole relationship that I’ve found out since. She had absolutely no respect for me, and part of me knew that all along and just let her disrespect me. I have been so foolish and so bad to myself. I’m so deep in it at the moment that I can’t see that there is a me that doesn’t feel like this and it will pass. I’ve become really socially phobic again and just hate even going to the local shop, I put it off as long as i could today. But I wore a skirt, so part of me was being brave!

I’m reading a book at the moment and the writer discusses his battle with depression quite frankly for a male, but it is highlighting my own lack of it. I keep thinking he is a sook and it isn’t like me to think like that of someone elses depression. I’m normally really caring and sensitive to others happiness, but at the moment I’ve got zero tolerance. I have a really shitty attitude and it wears off onto other people I’m with for too long.

One of the hardest parts of a relationship is letting go of the dreams you shared. I thought big with her and had huge dreams for our future, she said she wanted the same thing but that was all crap. She just wanted to come home and drink and get up and do it again tomorrow. It is hard to go from having those dreams layed out, to then having them alone without anyone to share it with. I’m still going to do it, don’t know how yet but I’m going to.

The loss of an intimate partner too is hard, especially since we have moved away from the city we were from and don’t have regular contact with our old mates. I’m still talking as a ‘we’ and not an ‘I’!

To be honest it’s like I’ve just moved to the country by myself and have to start fresh, only worse, I’ve been here before but as a very different person. I looked different, I acted different when I was here with her. Then we moved away and now I’m back, alone with long hair, wearing skirts and a wreck of a person! They must all think I’m nuts. To be honest at the moment I think they’re right. God I need to talk to someone. Wonder if my sis is up for a chat??

Hello world

Hi. Welcome home. I’ve been waiting for you.

For those that have not read my ‘welcome’ let me outline briefly the reasons for this blog space.

1. I’m a child abuse survivor and feel that I have much knowledge/experience/compassion and advice to offer other survivors and anyone else that cares to listen and learn. I also have an avenue to discuss this epidemic publically to expose the repercussions of this insidious crime. When an adult is forced to have sex against their will it is called ‘rape’ and ’sexual assult’, when a child is; it is called ‘molestation’ or ‘carnal knowledge’. I would like to see the terminology changed to reflect the true horror of these crimes and the prison sentences to be an appropriate punishment, after all the child is sentenced for life to have to deal with the results. Thirdly professional psychological support should be free; unconditional and unlimited for survivors. But I’m getting ahead of myself… in the near future I will start with my journey. This space will not EVER provide specific information regarding the acts of abuse, as it will never be my intention to attract the interest of child rapists unless for the express purpose of reform. Be warned, you pervy bastards are not welcome here!

2. My spiritual development on the journey ‘back to myself’, lead me to change careers – Paramedic for 10 years, to university student studying ‘Ecological Agriculture’ (deferred this year). In the process my values for our planet/ecosystems/cultures etc have been challenged and I have found some valuable resources that until now have had no place to share and make accessible to others.  We each are accountable for our action and inaction, and doing nothing is silent permission in my mind. It is not my intention to lay blame but to find the ways and means for change and I believe that has to begin with the spiritual health of each and every one of us. By spiritual I do not infer religious beliefs, but the totality of emotional, mental and physical wellbeing that allows each of us the freedom to look beyond ourselves and care for others. We are each able to take steps to improve ourselves and our planet, and this site is a place I would like to see this discussed. For example, growing herbs and vegetables organically to improve your health, reduce food miles, reduce the demand for industrialised (petrol/capitalist) driven agriculture and reduce resource depletion that is increasingly reducing our rainforests, natural ecosystems and native flora and fauna. You do not need a great big backyard to do this, a few pots on a window sill or balcony are steps in the right direction.

3. My life experiences, both trials and celebrations have shown me the power of compassion and empathy, and as such I feel that no person on the planet can forgo another lesson in its art. I owe so much to my mother, family and friends that have been my crutch in times of need that I am dedicating this site to them as a way of  ’paying it forward’ and assisting others as I have been.

Please feel free to make comment, I look forward to many varied and interesting conversations.

Peace, love and organic mung beans.

Mel